He doesn’t want you.

I’d rather be chosen by God than a man. So why am I always chasing what I can’t have. What is this internal void that I’m trying to fill by attempting to go after someone who wouldn’t even look my way. I’m always finding myself learning this lesson of love. Being forced to sit with my shadows instead of playing in theirs.

Whenever I try to go after a man it never works. I’m always finding myself attracted to the person who doesn’t want me. What does this mean for me. What is life trying to teach me. Because of this I’ve learned to take rejection and move on.

Really I just want someone to love. Someone to feel my emotions with. But I’m always finding myself on the sidelines of my own love story. When will it be my turn. My turn to dance in my emotions and cry because of immense joy.

I know a person can’t make me happy, they’ll only fill the void for a little while. Why am I so possessive? But I wanna experience love.

What are my shadows teaching me? What am I being forced to lay in? Humbleness? Rejection?

I talked to my friend about it and she said it’s protection. But protection from what. What am I missing?

During this time I’ve been forced to sit with myself more than ever. I’ve been forced to look myself in the mirror and face all the demons latching onto me. I feel like I’m ready for a new lover. But everytime I get locked out. Maybe just maybe i am being protected. From my own self. From my deep emotions and my tendency to get lost in another person.

But this time I don’t want that kinda love. I want the love that makes you love yourself even more. The love that shows you yourself in the most gentle way possible. A love that speaks to the soul.

I’ll find it. Or maybe I’ll just create it for myself.